lost in the Stacks

Think of every horror movies that had a library in it, not many, so think about the metropolitan library in Ghostbusters, ok maybe too many books and maybe too old. The University library is newer like only 40 year old rather than over a hundred. The stacks are not haphazard, but the disigner/architect built the building in such a way that the stack layout doesn't yield a clear view down the whol of a floor, rather the sight lines are regularly interrupted which make floor sweeping only partially successful. In short, we often miss things and people in the stacks.
At one time fiction was easier to sweep because the books are smaller than non-fiction and you could see through the gaps in the shelves- not 100% but better than it was, that is until some brilliant admin decided that the fiction collection could be condensed by "double shelving" and now there is no gaps between the shelves.
A lot of stuff goes on in the stacks, it often surprises me as I walk them what you are likely to encounter there. There are other places where human mischief or laziness get the better of people but in the stacks it seems to become more concentrated in practice.
What do I mean by this?
Let me give you some examples.
Here are some things that happened to Barney, the oldest surviving guard (by that I mean he had been in the Library the longest- not the most experienced just the longest to make it without get fired or giving up) Anyway this was Barney's favorite story- one which he would tell anytime the staff or Admins or our own superiors were thought to be out of earshot.
"Brainy (actually he had taken to calling me Shakespeare, who knows?), there are ways to let things be and still get the job done." Barney (whose name might have been Wally now that I think of it) leaned over and say and give me that Barney Fife knowing wink.
"Oh?" I said trying to sound enthused "How would one go about that exactly."
Barney then would tap the side of his nose with a long index finger and nod.
"Brainy my young friend, these kids like to have sex in the stacks."
He would wait for a gasp. After a moment I got it and give him the perfunctory  gasp.
"Yes, these kids are little horn-dogs. I give them full marks for effort, but if you just get them to have their sex in the stacks away from the common areas- then" Barney spreads his hands and arms wide over the desk and then gave me another Barney wink.
"Then?"
"Then one does not have to interrupt and often it can be watched as long as they aren't too loud or messy."
(Ugh)
"I have seen it work in action, I have."
(and there you have it folks- Library porn.)
"Oh come on." I say and realize we are whispering like conspirators.
"Oh not me per-say." Barney says in a self-declamatory manner. "No, not me but Old Hendricks he told me all about it, where to go and when was the best time-" Barney shoots me a glance "When would you say is the best time to have sex in the stacks?"
It takes a second to figure out that was actually a question for me. I shrug and say something about 1AM and wonder why I am doing so.
"Oh no, not that late." Heh heh- he laughs gruffly "right after lunch." he waits
I roll my eyes and give myself another mental head slap and curse Woodchuck for giving me this shift with Barney.
"Why after lunch?" I drawl out dreading the answer.
"Because-" Barney pauses and gives me his considering look (which let me say looks like a suspicious Arnold at his poor brother Willis from Different Strokes) "Well Hendricks said that was when most of the Library staff became the most docile and stopped moving around in the stacks until 3-ish."
I bet Barney here has tested this theory time and time again. Now that I think of it, Barney almost always works first shift and never takes lunch at 12. Why me?
"Hendricks said the best place was in Nonfiction on fifth floor near the maintenance rooms cuase it has the worst sight lines in the building. Good for them."
I wonder who "them" are supposed to be.
"Them horny kids I tell ya." Barney says.
Dumb me had to ask that out loud.
"Now don't go spreading that around, and ruin a good thing." He glances at his watch, stands up and straightens his over loaded equipment belt and gives me the sly wink.
"I got to go make my rounds."
I glance at the clock on the wall.12;50pm.
Of course...

Just another book on a long shelf

Life is like a library, sometimes you get checked out, sometimes you get checked in, sometimes you are left to molder on a shelf and then sometimes you get lost. The library staff mostly impresses me as those who got lost on their way to some other place.
Julia definitely got lost. She's middle forties and pretty much complains all day. She even complains as a means of greeting and goodbye. To this date I have never met anyone who complained about so little or so much. She works the checkout desk and complains. Still she is a great source for the network of who was doing what to whom and where in the stacks it might be taking place.
Cesspool Samson is another lost soul. He is a mountain of a man and I mean mountain like 4 to 5 hundred pounds of unwashed man who moves rarely, always works late and often is left alone. The reason for his nickname is that his BO was so overpowering that no one could be close to him for more than a minute or two before dry heaving ensued or worse- not dry heaving!
I felt bad for Cesspool and tried to never refer to him as such but it was hard since it seemed he never got the hints about washing. I mean I felt sorry for him at a distance.
That is until shift change one night not long ago, Hervey rolls in and says with a wicked SE grin on his face. "CP is out of gas-"
I mention that could be a good thing since one had to be very careful lighting up around him.
Then Hervey drops his own bomb.

"The chief wants to know if you would go get him some gas on your way out."

Damn my luck

Damn my inability to say no.

Lost in the Land of Books

The University Library is a world unto itself. Once you are pulled into its orbit, much of reality that exists beyond it walls ceases to be that prevalent. People have been know to get lost in the stacks for years... well not completely literally but then again you never know.
Butter came there with big plans to get his master's degree and stayed for years and years. I never knew whether the mastery ever did get achieved. He did outlast us all as a guard though, so I suspect he got the last laugh.
The staff of the Library was much the same, few were really there by choice or design, most had come there looking for something else and stayed for various reasons. A few - a very few escaped immediately.
1. Frank- I am going to call him Frank was one of them, He wanted to be a movie star but he ended up like the guy in the Piano Man song except he could be found in the library and not the bars. He had some kind of checkout job. What I knew of him was he would audtion for everything and get nothing unless the role involved no pay. The great actor who everybody liked but not the guys with money anyways.
2. Bill, yeah I actually think that could be his name. He was a tall thin guy with a scruffy beard. One of the most laid back guys I have ever known. Nothing fazed him. Someone told me he had like three doctrates but never did anything about them. He was in and out of reference and seemed to be a floater from department to department. Mostly Bill specialized in staying under the radar of the Admins. We guards decided that Bill was in witness protection and collectively admired and feared him.
3. Eduwardo De Frances, No it is a pseudonym, I don't remember his name save that it was about that fancy. He was modestly cultured and semi-elite. Gay but not announced and like to haul around this car phone (not a cell but the original car phone). The car phone had a handset and base unit that stayed in a bag. the keypad was on the outside of the handset on the top. It was actually one of the very few car phones I ever had seen. He used it like a cell phone though. It complimented him completely, Eduwardo was smooth and clean and had pretty awful dental work. Still I liked him since if you ever needed the low down on the goings on, he was the man to ask.
4. Miranda or "Boookends" - no I am not sure exactly why she was called that, but there probably was a good reason for it. Bookends was your typical depictions of a librarian, frumpy clothing and the glasses on a chain around her neck. She would have been the stereo typical librarian save that she was 25-something and kind of attractive if you could  find her smiling which was pretty rare. Occassionally you could spot down in the stack grinning at some book.

More to come.

In the Library...

Now I will tell you all about the most interesting place to be a Smurf.
the Library- that's the University Library, a very big building filled mostly with books and book shelves.
The Library Smurf differs from the other Guards because we stay in the same place all the time and we handle problems more directly than the "Watch and Radio it in" policy of the outside Smurfs.

I will start by identifying the Library Guards in true smurf-like fashion: (I am going to leave but you the reader can feel free to add in the smurf extensions to each name)
1. Gungho otherwise known as Hervy (not his real name- heck I am not sure I either remember or even knew his real name)
2. Player- otherwise known as Butter. Think smooth as butter and you will get an idea of what Butter was like
3. Vintage- otherwise known as Codger. He had come up from ticket writing and always seemed stuck between the two jobs. His nickname is an age reference since he was at least 20 year older than the rest of us- no I never knew exactly how much older.
4. Russian- otherwise know as the Russian or Brarishnikov (ok his name was something else but I am not telling you or anyone else what it really was he was a good guy but weird like the rest of us) Yes he was actually a Russian from Russia.
5. Deputy- otherwise known as Barney Fife. There is always a "Barney Fife" type character on almost every security guard force I have ever seen. Barney Fife is the quintessential bumbling by-the-book often over equipped stereotype that inevitably appears on the force. Our Barney Fife was a close match to the Mayberry one.
6. Brainy- (that's me) otherwise know as Sidekick, since I guess I was always party to everything.
and lastly
7. Danger- othersie know as Hervy's brother or Kruger (and no I have no idea what his name was or why we started calling him Kruger)

There were also the Library staff and Admins who now that I think about it had a lot in common with Gargamel  and his minions.
The more notable ones were:
1.The Ogre (don't the Shrek in this case) think Gargamel or Sauron. He was seldom seen, often heard and always felt as the chief admin of the library. In the Library he was the King (at least in his own mind) Funny I saw his offices regularly but almost never saw him.
2. The Psychophant- deliberately mispelled and reworded- should be Psychotic sycophant but psychophant worked better. She was the foaming at the mouth, eager to please her dark masters assistant Admin of the building and unlike her boss was often seen, always avoided and thought she was the quuen bee of the library.


more soon. .  

On Cops and other things police worthy

I am aware always that people make snap judgments about the Police and the cops that one comes across. Lately, Cops are getting a largely bad rep, of course, that is not much to say since they almost always have bad reps.
A lot of this stigma comes with the powers they are granted and the orders they are expected to carry out. There are however several things one should consider before you pass judgment of these men (mostly men) and women.

1. Cops/the Police/Law Enforcement Officers/more titles and slang names abound are human beings who are constantly in the public eye and thus their personalities and actions are exemplified often to their detriment and that of their profession to boot. Cops are mortal men and women who are fallible yet expected to be exemplary of what they should be or could be.
2. Cops make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. The problem is that some mistakes carry heavier consequences than others. Give a man or woman a gun and the powers and responsibilities that come with the badge and the fallout from their mistakes are tenfold what the average man or woman could manage. 
3. Every cop has taken an oath to serve and protect. It is important to remember what these cops have sword to protect and who they are serving. The answers should be the obvious, but it is largely left to the interpretation of what each cop and their department consider to be society, civilization, citizenry, the state/nation and the law. Cops are law enforcement officers, they are there to obey and enforce the consequences of breaking the law. Sometimes they are considered to be Peace Officers and are there to keep the peace. This also is largely a matter of interpretation.
4. Cops are like people and when you speak of them in terms of which it is important to remember that while there are good cops and bad cops, nice cops and tough cops, friendly cops and decidedly unfriendly cops; they are not unlike people in other occupations- they all have dreams and ambitions that may not match your own. There is one real important detail to take note of and that is, they can arrest you (given enough justification of course).

There are other things but for my purposes, I will stick with these. I started this job with one set of expectations and have ended up with an almost completely different set at this point. While I was outside, I got to see Cops not as a blank uniform group of men and women but as individuals with fallacies and strengths that helped and hindered them as they worked through decidedly stressful days and nights. 

So, the short answer is always yes, but also no, because Cops are people too. Albeit, people with guns.

So I am standing there...

"Unbelievable- isn't it?"
I look over  to find this guard Hervey? Yeah that was his  name Hervey. That's what  the  dispatch officer had called him when we were summoned up here.
"Completely."
"Don't  worry we'll get him." He says sounding completely sure of it.
Me?  I am not so sure.
Turns out  we were both right. We did get him (midsquat I might add) but it would take months to corner him nevermind figure out who he was. None of that matters now, I don't  want to go back outside. So I volunteer to sweep the stacks with this Hervey guy. Turns out we have a few things in common. The big one of course is neither of us is in to taking much in the BS department. We are both older than the other students. Both of us plans to be something else but take our  jobs serious enough to hate being called "unarmed."
So we go on our first sweep of the stacks. To Hervey,  he enjoys the  company. To me- hell I am on  the inside instead of being out in that parking garage they had posted me  to.
We end up taking long enough for the dispatch officer to radio looking for me and I have to return to the parking garage. As he walks me out, he says
"Ever think of coming inside- becoming a Library Guard?"
"I am now" I say and decide to find  out how I can pull that off.

The Mad Shitter

There are things most Libraries never admit to in the light of day, that haunt the shadows in the Stacks. There are stories and tales that scare the bejeezers out of rookies. Nut this one takes all the prizes. I won't tell the whole story, but I will give you the story of the Mad Shitter in three parts- because I can.
Part of this story starts with Hervey, Our heavy hitter Security Guard- our self appointed Master Sergeant of the Library Guards.
Hervey is a pretty big guy and can throw his weight around. He wanted to be career military but threw out his back as he was throwing out the garbage. (some of that was true- but again I ain't sayin' which) Hervey- if you are reading this, don't come over and do some chirpo-kunfu on me!
Anyway, Hervey (I like the name dammit) could take care of himself- they typically did not make you a library guard if you couldn't hold your ground against thre homeless guys and a rusty steak knife. Hervey was believed to have carved up some steak with that rusty knife, but I digress
Ok, here is the setup.
Hervey has the graveyard shift at the Library- that means he works from 11 to 7am and it is just him, a handful of die hard students. 1 or two unlucky library staff memebers who pull this duty and Hervey. The first time I met him in fact was on a call trying to catch the "Mad Shitter" in the act.
Since the "real" University cops had better things to do, they rounded us up from our many scattered posts and brought us to perform a footrace through the stacks after the ever elusive almost mythical Mad Shitter.

Now I know what you are asking yourself and probably your spouse what the hell does he mean by "Mad Shitter." Well let me tell you my friend and those of you who aren't friends with me or even friendly. It does not mean that he got mad when he went to the bathroom,.

I walk into the main bathroom on the main floor not 20 feet from the Security Desk and let out a whistle as the scene of carnage surrounds me with the smell of feces (and by that I mean shit). The Mad Shitter "takes a dump" as Sgt Yolks points out as he stares in amazement. Anyway, this translates as he takes a massive bowel movement in the middle of the bathroom floor and then picks up the feces and smears it across as much of the surface area of the bathroom as he can make it go. Then as a finishing touch, sticks as much toilet paper and paper towels into clumps of it as he can manage, no rhyme or reason to any of it.

And there you have it. The man of feces is completely nuts and yet he can slip through our nets we have set to catch him.

Another brick in the wall

Typically being referred to as "another brick in the wall' means someone is trying to insult you. As a Security Guard, it's not so bad, especially when you realize that the wall is exactly where  you want to be. One of the strengths any force  has is numbers. There more people  who are there to watch your  back,  the less likely you are going to get singled out and  pummeled by some deranged concert attendee.
Case in point.
There is this band and I use the term loosely. Limp Bizkit may be adored by thousands of fans but  I suspect few of  them are cops. I have worked my fair share of  concerts but that LB concert takes the cake for pure chaos.
At first , everything was  "normal and fine." What  I mean by that is the  opening acts sucked but were tame.  The attendees were reasonably calm and  only mildly  belligerent. Then after several sets of awful music (and I use that term loosely as well)  LB finally  takes the stage and open with what must have been their top 100 pop song. I look at the team of uniforms I am with and Eddy the state cop wafts his hand  up and down - indicating he  thinks it was only so-so. The other guys shrug- no one is particularly  impressed.
Then the  lead singer - heck if I  know who he is- steps forward and starts this half rant half pep talk. It  goes something like this.
(FYI- the higher ups  had  decided that  a mosh pit was out  of the question since according to claptrap several moshers from a  concert in Georgia had to be hospitalized last week)
"Hey yall,, are we pumped?'
Standard mob mentality rules apply here. There  is an affirmative roar.
"Hey yall- We're going to have that mosh pit no matter what any body says! So just come  up here any of you who want to. If the  cops don't like it then Fuck the cops we do what we want!" or  something like that. Accounts vary as  to what the  little popstar said. Some people claim  he never swore or cussed while  others said he had called us all pigs. Whatever  he did or did not say, mob mentality ruled over anything and everything else.
I turned to see the flood of human bodies coming charging at the line of cops in front of the stage. Most of them  got  out of  the way in time. I think  I saw Bill the county  cop go down, I started shouting and waving  in his direction  as the little punk  on stage started the next "song" as if everything was fine and dandy.
So here our little band of cops stand in a corner  of this utter chaos, loud  and by loud I  mean deafening music blaring. bodies flying around the Mosh pit.
The first blood  I see is one a mosher covered in blood, it streaming out of a  oddly bent nose. What started as a bad concert is now a free for all riot.
LB goes on as if  everything is normal. next song and the riot continues with even  more crazed fans  trying to climb over the barricade.
Then I get the call. We beat a strategic retreat to the  nearest exit and join up with most  of the rest of the force  at the concert. There is Francine and a Sergeant Fox giving orders in  a calm collect fashion. We  are reordered based on size and  ability and in we  go in a wedge.
A wall of cops.
The  wedges works wonders as  we divide and subdue the moshers  many of whom look relieved to be removed from the  riot.
We  are in the midst of sorting bodies and  cornering the more violent and  resistant moshers when the music dies midsong and  LB  takes a "break."
There you have it. I am one happy brick  in  the wall in the face  of  insanity.

Another name for the blues

Hello everyone. life has been a little hectic here lately, but we all must buck up and do our part.
That's what Captain Woodchuck has to say today at roll call for us guards.
Words of motivation and inspiration are not Captain Woodchucks' forte. He is a good natured fellow who will go to bat for you most of the time. However, the "captain" part of his title is not really all that official. Captain Woodchuck is not a police officer. He is not even a security guard. Rumor has it he is one of the tried and true original ticket writers who started that job while he was majoring in political science and stuck with it until the University police chief figured he would have to give Woodchuck a promotion. So he made him head ticket writer and then when none of the Lieutenants nor the other watch captain's wanted sovereignty over the guards, he gave Woodchuck that job as well.

Lets have three cheers for our Captain Woodchuck! Ok I didn't actually think I would even get one cheer.

That one time at Band Camp

Summers on a University Campus are at best measured chaos.
Universities think that the best way to encourage education in everyone is to have even younger kids come there during the summer. Summer camps abound over the hot dog days and children of ever increasingly younger ages flood into what was only weeks before the party dorms of the campus. Oh the irony.
The scholars bowl camp takes the cake though. Imagine if you will hundreds of bright young minds who gather for a week on the campus with one thing on their minds..... pin swapping.
yes, pin swapping.
They come and compete in intellectual battles over a variety of historical and hysterical puzzlers, then bombard each other and everyone in between, especially the cops with pins (badges) that border on lunacy. The cops are expected to arbitrate, collect and disperse said pins to hordes of grabby kids who are WAY too friendly and eager to barter over the pins (of Destiny- say it ignominiously)
So there I am quaking in terror as several thousand kids coming racing across the sward, their state pins, theiir school pins, their school club pins and their school extra curricular activities pins in hand waving them at us in enthusiastic cries of wild abandon.
Here I stand with my fellow guards holding a handful of coveted UT police pins against the hordes of children headed our way.
This is the life.....not.
Still it's time and a half...
and it beats working at Regal Cinemas..... well it beats working at McDonald's. 

Guarding Francine since Tess was taken

The best thing about being a Smurf- I mean a Security guard- is guarding a woman or even better than that working for a lady cop. Notice I said "lady" cop since as we all know there are women out there you would put your life down on the line for and women you would run screaming like little nerdy white guys from.

I'll admit it.
Women in Uniform make me feel very good. Perverted or not the feeling is actually a curious mix of protective pride and admiration.
There is this "lady" cop.
And I am going to call her Francine (Tess was already taken and no neither of those is her actual name- its that feeling about her that makes me not call her by name here)
Francine, is all cop but still all woman at the same time. What I mean by that is you would be working with her- she being a Sergeant usually meant she was in charge and by in charge I mean that when she blew that whistle and yelled everyone including the motorist jumped to obey.
All woman meant that you paid attention to her, because she was charming and funny even when the situation warranted caution and seriousness. Seriously, I always wanted to be around her even when she had to be mean. We (and by that I mean all the guards, most of the School division cops and at least a few of the University cops) would have followed her into hell with nary a smile or a look back. Hell, we did follow her lead into some pretty crazy situations including a drunken brawl in the football stadium, a riot in a mosh pit at a Limp Bizcuit concert and into a mob of drunken frat boys- no wait maybe that was the football thing all over again.
She even came to my rescue once.
What was ironic about that was that I had spotted a guy in prison colors (jumpsuit) crossing the sward at a football game and radioed it in. I said one police 10 code and he had heard another. the other 10 code translated as officer down (they were like 10-50 and 10-05). So I was trailing the guy through the crowd when I got a "what's your location call" and as I gave it, this flood of cops came over the hill to my right, Francine leading the charge.
I was impressed.
Francine was upset.
Her men were pissed.
I was in love.
The poor idiot in the jumpsuit was pretty surprised when four cops surrounded him with guns drawn.
Turned out he had not in fact escaped from the county lockup- the irony there was the prison jumpsuit was the exact same colors as the University's football team and he had thought it would be a good idea to wear it to the game.
Francine, never once yelled at me about it. When she understood what had happened she took a deep breath radioed the station got the right 10 code on record and told the dispacther to try to listen more carefully to the Guards- that they were as equally important to the force as any cop.
She checked on me to make sure I was ok, and then she led the force back to their positions for the game.
She was a "lady" and a cop.
She probably still is a lady and a cop.
She was and still is my favorite lady cop.

In case you didn't get that.

April Fools!

I love the internet and every effort that is spent in fooling the masses.

The smurfs are still here and yes we are still unapologetic to the little french blue guys and their wall street lawyers. If you want to sue someone sue the us police forces who insist on dressing up like smurfs.
I mean what what so wrong with Navy blue and black uniforms or better yet Khaki uniforms. We guards could be wearing Dockers and Old Navy instead of dollies and starchy bright blue shirts and velcro ties.

an announcent of epic porportions

This has been utter and mostly humorless lie and I  am sorry that I had the fortune to have to write it. Most of all  I want to apologize to the little blue French  People and ticket writers everywhere for not taking their emotional sensitivity into consideration when I talked about their goldfish and mothers  in such  a fashion.