The trouble with....

"Why are you grinning like that."
Butter wriggles his eyebrows. It's unnerving.
Women think it's cute- they should know better.
"Our man Hervey caught the Mad Shitter."

"No way."

"Well, almost." Butter sighs.

"Do I really need to know the details?"

Butter puffs out a sigh, look at the ceiling and then crosses his arms as he leans back in his chair.
We're at the security desk.

"Probably not, but I figured you might want to know before you see Hervey tonight."

"What are you not telling me?"
Yep, I am dreading the answer.

"Well, Hervey can probably tell it better than me." Butter grins again and chuckles.

I consider hitting him with my nightstick then remember I don't have one.

"But!" Butter continues before I can locate another weapon. "Word is he came back to base this morning covered in pooh."

"Pooh?"

"No shit." The grin is back and I know that tonight is going to be hell.

So anyway...some things never change

(some notes from the author)
Guys, what can I say- a year and a half later, and I come back from what was supposed to be a month's hiatus. The world turned and my life got a helluva lot more interesting but I am back and will try (and I mean try) to update Life... at least twice a month.
If you have been here before then you are on the inside of the joke. If this is your first time and are ready for some screaming. I have a Deadpool picture for you.

Get over it, it only took me 14 years to.

stepping back in time to 14 years ago....

"So, what did I miss?"

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Well, not at the beginning."

Butter has a shit-eating grin.

"In that case-"

The Smurfs go on holiday

Yes,, the  Smurfs at the University are taking a brief hiatus  until July. Thanks  for reading!

The costs of free internet

Here in the library, the university provides free internet for anyone to come and use it. The idea was actually not for anyone actually. It was for the students and professors. The rest of us staff and employees have work to do. But no one told the homeless and jobless this. So they think it is just for them.
Its weird to watch them show up in the mornings- when I am here on early shift- and queue for access to the reference rooms and other public PC areas. The students tolerate their intrusion with thin masks of shock, fear and disgust. They can afford to since there are labs just for them to use- you have to have a student I.D. to get into those areas. An additional plus is that those ares are- in fact- far away from reference.
The reference people try to act like it doesn't matter who uses the computers to surf the net- but because they have painted themselves into a corner with it, they are stuck.
So what is the problem with 20 to 30 homeless/unemployed and might as well be homeless people using these computers?
In a word.
Porn.
The homeless have discovered what the rest of us geeks have known for years. The best thing about the internet is free or almost free porn. (Only idiots pay for it). If someone know where or how to look, one can find tons and tons of free porn on the internet. The Homeless know this and are only to eager to share their knowledge. This group of homeless/jobless are almost to a man, men 20 to 30 something, mostly white, thin to moderately overweight and mostly white. They are largely unwashed and smell about 1 to 2 shades better than Cesspool.

Reference decided in their infinite wisdom (about a coke can full anyway) that their internet would not be censored or restricted just in case of a professor or student who needed to research some area that would trip across pornography.So the Homeless have a free ticket to endless porn surfing in the reference rooms during business hours.

Got to love a bunch of librarians protecting freedom of speech and their own access to porn.

Hiding Out

There are times when a Smurf must do some hiding out. Yeah I am on duty, but I am hiding out. One major advantage to Guarding the Library is that not only do you have lots of keys but you have seen all the rooms and balconies and closets and lounges and offices that were built into the labyrinth that is the University Library.
There are a few place where no one goes- unless they remember where they are. Also it helps if you know where the signs are. Today I have a "closed for renovations" sign on the door. Since this hide out is a lounge at the end of a hallways that resulted from some genius admin deciding to rebuild this end of the 5th floor into study rooms most everyone save the cleaning staff has forgotten there is a lounge out here are the edge of the building. We share this hidey hole with the cleaning crews.
Well we agreed to forget that it is here so that we could use it as well.

So today, Butter and I are trading out turns at hiding out in the Study room. This arrangement works well since both of us have reasons and things to do out of the public eye. Me, I am finishing a book in peace, save for the occasional radio updates. Praying nothing disturbs the peace of the library which will call me away from the sanctuary.

the guards have one rule about this room.
1. no one but guards and cleaning staff can use it. that means no girl friends.

So far everyone has complied

so far.

Wally's World

His name was Wally.
Well his name was Wallace.
He was the Barney Fife of Security Guards. He was like Serious Smurf or Screwed Smurf more likely with what happened to him. There was this woman at the library who worked in reference. She was a major diva/bitch/tease/drama-queen/psycho. This is amazing bit of info as she worked and probably still works at that library on that campus still. It probably makes sense though- everyone ends up somewhere- many of the worst thought end up here.
Wally should have seen it coming.
Wally should have never thought he could take her on.
Hell, I knew I couldn't take her on, and still the temptation to mess around with her was awful.
She was trouble and women who are trouble just seem to be major magnets to men who want to go down in flames.

One Night, Wally swaggers in and makes his move on her.
The next night Wally staggers out, arrested for assault by his own beloved department and charged with sexual harassment

She is a pariah.

What happened?

The short answer would be proof of power.

The long answer goes like this.

Psycho Smurfette, was a librarian- which by their very natures (since the Music Man) are unattainable women by definition.
What was worse is that Psycho Smurfette was an attractive 30something who had a tight, compact 5 foot something body, with medium shapely breasts and a round well formed butt that could get a man's mind working like you would never believe possible. She wore her hair short but grab-able ( I am building up to it) She would tight slacks and pants that enhanced the roundness of each buttock and blouses that rode low enough to get imaginations rolling but high enough to be comfortable.

Wally must have been a goner from the beginning.

Her story ran like this:

Wally came onto her in her office and suggest that they make use of the privacy of the stacks. She declined- he persisted. She threatened him and he pushed her into a corner and groped her bosom.

Yes, that was the words she used- groping and bosom.

It was mostly a lie as it turned out.

She probably had something on the Library Admin, since he fell over himself to hand here Wally's head on a platter- the head of his favorite security guard- I might add. Wally was very good at what he did for the Library- the admins loved him- he had keys to all their private offices. In fact he had spent time there quite a bit.
I suspect that not only was Wally preferred over the other smurfs, that he was poking around with several other librarians and staff and someone got very jealous.

Wally came back by to see them after he was charged, fired and acquitted- the Judge laughed Psycho Smurfette out of the courtroom apparently. Wally said she looked extremely pissed. Still she had won- Wally lost the Job he worshiped.

Wally's story ran like this.

She was always asking for it. Even leaving him notes on places where they could meet up to "talk."

Wally showed us all the notes.

Butter choked up on a couple of them- and I knew that they had actually been meant for him. He looked sick since he hated Psycho Smurfette and loathed her. Poor Wally.

Anyway, Wally had tried meeting her in these places, she always acted surprised but as Wally puts in here. She would shimmy her butt and start flirting with him.

This of course, could mean she flirted with him or just sashayed by.

So according to Wally, the last night he worked. He was "Patrolling the Offices" (something only he was allowed to do) and there she was in her office.

Wally says that he went in and they talked and she came over and had him sit on her couch and then she sat on his lap. Wally says that "petting" began at that point with her rubbing his crotch and he groped her breasts. Then she pulled him up and over to her empty desk and he "bent her over the desk and had his way with her."
He added these notes to this as we sat there (most of us thinking- you stupid idiot)
She grunted while he "rode that sweet ass."
She had him pull her hair back as they did it.
They never were fully nude.
She came at least twice.
She made animal noises then purred like a cat afterward.
He left her with a grin on her face.

An evil grin as it turned out.

Wally concludes his story by telling us that he's got a new security job out a the Industrial park. If any of us want a job out there - he'll put in a good word for us.

Poor Wally, the whole time he's there he looks like a lost puppy wanting to come home.
When he leaves he passes the Psycho Smurfette- you can see in his frown than he is definitely remembering some act even if what he told us was complete bullshit.
She is aloof and barely glances at him. By the time she comes storming up to our desk. Butter has gone on Patrol. I am in the bathroom (peering out) and it's only the Russian sitting there.
She seethes and rages. He gives her the patented dead eye calm stare and shrugs.
She doesn't know he can actually speak English.

As I stare at her back, hell as I stare at her butt. I am imagining her bent over the desk, pants pulled down to her ankles, blouse pushed up over her breasts which are pressed against the wood of her desk. Her head is up and she is looking back as a security guard as they do it. Except, it's not Wally- it's me.
I know I have a major erection right now. I can't help it.
I know she's a psycho bitch but she has this ability to make you lust like you are Wally.

It's power pure and simple. I suspect that she enjoys the power more than anything even as I am disparately thinking about baseball, cold showers and digging ditches.

As she walks back by the Restrooms she looks straight into my face (I am caught like a opossum in the headlights) and she licks her lips and winks at me.

The Russian speaks on Women: A discourse

So there I sit with the Russian at the Security Desk.
He is telling me about eating healthy foods like Beef and Steak and Ribeye. I don't break it to him that they are in fact all Beef. That is when the most drop dead gorgeous woman walks up and says to the Russian.
"How come you never call?"
Then as I gawk at her slender body, perfect breasts, incredible hair, the smell of her perfume mixing with the musk of a foreign cigarette, look with lust into her perfect blue eyes, the two of them break down into a lengthy discourse in Russian.
It goes on and on. She sees me staring at her and smiles at me and suddenly winks. I think she is about to do more when the Russian jumps to his feet and yells at her.
"Sonja begone!"
Sonja frowns at him leans forward so I can stare down her cleavage, gets up from where she has been sitting propped on our desk, Gives me a sly smile and says
"Oh Sergei- (more Russian follows)." Then she turns her shapely butt to me and walks away as part of my screams in my mind that I would sell my soul to speak or at least understand Russian.
After she is gone, I look over at the Russian who looks back at me and shakes his head firmly.
"NO. My friend, these Russian women are bad news. They are Jezebels who take American husbands so that they can get out of Russia and bring their kids, then they will sex you and lie to you and divorce you so quick."
"Are you sure- cause Sonja she looked sincere." I hear myself say.

"BAh!" The Russian says. "Sonja is the worst. She has already divorce her Russian husband to marry an American so she can come here and divorce him too and get his money and bring her child from Moscow!"

I sigh seeing where this is headed.

"Brain- you don't want these Russian Women- they are pagan trash- you want good wholesome Christian women instead who will respect and honor you."

Baptist women- heavy set, fundamentalist, stay in the kitchen, fetch my slippers, bear me 12 children Christian Women. That is what the Russian wants.

The only women who come by either belong to Butter or are the Russian Jezebels who like the Russian and call him Sergei.